What Do You Desire?

This is a Masterpiece? Who decided that

Parameters on what you are able to achieve is a paralysis of your evolution

Stuart Sanderson

As I sit here with a million and one thoughts rushing about my mind, akin to my understanding of what the chaos theory must be like, I wondered if this might be my actual clarity. You can be searching for the solution to something that doesn’t need a conclusion. You are free to accept or refuse any advice given to you. What questions you have are as unique as you are. Therefore, they have a unique answer.

The great Alan Watts once said; ‘Have you ever stopped and pondered that everything you are thinking about and your thoughts are actually somebody else’s? Based on the ideas of others that have thrust their labels, numerology and regimes into our lives? The language we use. The illusion of time.’

Is there anything you can do that is truly exclusive? What is an original thought that you can have? Is it possible to have one? How do we know that the way we should be thinking is irrational? Because it’s different from the next person? Because someone who has regurgitate a text book in an exam, is now an expert on what you are experiencing with your own thoughts? We are bound by our language to speak our minds. I’m still waiting to uncover the words in the English language that accurately describe how I feel at times. Then there’s the paradoxes from an early age we encounter to make sure we are looking up to the people who are teaching us all these wonderful new things, the history of our proud Country and it’s leaders. We are told in school by the same people to try harder! How do you try harder? Listen carefully they say. Isn’t simply listening sufficient?

I’m not you and your not me. We’re individually unique yet fundamentally identical. We can think about anything we want and no one else will ever know what it is, yet we have the ability to communicate with others telling them what we want them to know. We can cherry pick what information we see as desirable, and can share it to portray ourselves as we wish to others.

I’m not any better than you. I’m no more wiser than you are either. I’m no more intelligent than you are. I’m neither a better person than you. My opinions about things are no more important than yours. I’m in actual fact, offering far worse advice on things due to the fact I have been a far worse person than you ever have.

Let me explain. See if you’re in a long distance running race and you’re last. You can see the entire field of competitors battling it out. Who is poised for the next move, being cautious. Who is struggling with the pace. When you have got to the front of the field and are leading the way, you can say how you did it. With our own unique traits, we can choose if we want to do this or if not. Free to say our piece and we can decide on the method we use to do it. I don’t like to preach my opinions and force them on others so I try not to give up my thoughts on a topic in conversation unless prompted. I can tell if I have to tailor my answers to benefit the situation or if it is easier to do, I’ll just say I don’t have an opinion about it. Posting this on here, you could say is a little hypocritical with what I’ve just written. However, this is my blog and I keep it for my personal record. It’s there for people to read but it’s their choice to do so. If after the first paragraph they think its not for them, they don’t have to read on. It’s simple.

We have a select group of people around us who are all we need. It’s called “The Snow White Syndrome”. She had 7 dwarfs, we have 7 people. I bet now that if you count the most important people in your life, the inner circle, the real ones that care, you will name 7 people. I do. These are the ones that you take heed of. Listen to and talk with. Understand.

Since my diagnosis with Bipolar Disorder, my eyes have been opened up to a completely different World. We have to understand that if you have any illness, naming it doesn’t mean that we are going to get better. The body won’t recognise it because of a name. We just make it subjective and separate it from ourselves. Easier to then diagnose and categorise. Medicate and prescribe for it and then off we go. Every time I go to the Pharmacy (frequently) there’s a queue out the door. We are a nation of junkies. Legal drug addicts with prescribed remedies not cures. Remember, a cured patient is nowadays a lost customer to the Pharmaceutical Industry!

We are being watched 24/7 too. GPS in phones with their cameras which are also in our computers and laptops. Alexa in your home only joining the conversation when you say Alexa? Evidently she must be listening to hear when she is required! Logging in to public places to access the WI-FI by registering your email and phone number. Apple-pay so you can pay for things that you don’t want to impress people you don’t like with your watch and then answer a phone call on it. An apple a day keeps the doctor away will be a reality soon with iDoctor from Apple. Plug yourself into your iMac from the chip in your wrist you have had implanted and you’re sorted. We are attached already to the social media platforms for gratification and the need to share information with the World that we shouldn’t or need to. I have had accounts, I no longer do. Granted there’s benefits for their use but they have simply become a popularity contest and a way of showing off when all that glistens isn’t really gold! (Asking if anyone has the phone number for somewhere when you’re on the internet already?!?!).

We have a great need for acceptance. When we see something, we have an option of liking what we see or not liking what we see. We base our behaviour towards what we like. Other people teach us who we are. Their attitudes to us are the mirror in which we learn to see ourselves, but the mirror is distorted. We notice only what we think noteworthy, and therefore our vision is highly selective. Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth. We choose our friends and partners. We are not chained to anyone so if we aren’t happy, walk away. I’m lucky to have been born in England and I have had the ability to choose if I wanted further education, my vocation, what clothes I wear, music I listen to, where I live, what I spend my money on and how I live my life is pretty much my choice if you take 5 minutes to look at it. I can choose not to work and receive state benefits which entitles you to free dental care, prescriptions, eye tests, numerous child care exemptions and a guaranteed fortnightly payment which also covers all the National Insurance for your Pension. We can be judgemental about the people who are doing this. What gives us the right to comment on it though? Do we think we are better than them? Does it mean that having 4 bedrooms in a detached house with an interest only mortgage, financed Mercedes or BMW on the drive and some other guys name on your underwear makes you superior? Buying things that you don’t need to impress the people you don’t like. The things that you own end up owning you.

This past year is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to keep together. I work full time. Last week I got signed off by the Psychiatrist though. Shit’s getting real. I don’t have days off for the sake of it. I’m ill though and I’m not just 4 days of antibiotics Ill. I’m severely ill mentally. For this I have been awarded P.I.P benefit at the enhanced level. Why do I claim that if I work? Simply because I’m going to have this illness for all my life. I’m probably not going to be able to work much passed my 55th birthday. The throwing of money to someone who is ill doesn’t make them better. I didn’t realise what they were doing at first but it clicked one day and then I got the message. I’m just going to save the payments for the rainy day. I might be wrong about what I’m supposed to be doing with it but at least it’s a little comfort to not be worrying about money.

However, we have this notion of being totally infatuated by the prominent future of our lives. We have to be in work till this age, withdraw your pension at that age. It’s not reality, it’s a fallacy. We are therefore detached from ourselves and from reality. The reality facing me at the moment is that I have to tackle the problem of explaining to my parents who are in their late 70’s, what Bipolar is and why I’m seeing the Psychiatrist for what I am experiencing currently, which is the early onset of Psychosis.

We’ve had the Stone Age, Iron Age etc. We’re now in the Offended Age. No matter what you say, somebody somewhere is offended. Why? If you don’t like it, move on. You’re offended because you chose to be offended.

We need 3 fundamental components to survive, oxygen, water and trees to recycle the Carbon Dioxide. Yet we’re destroying all of these slowly. Pollution of the seas and atmosphere and destruction of the rainforests. Attacking ourselves from all sides. We pay more attention to the satire of Love Island or Instagram posts than what is happening on our planet. Petrified of falling behind in the Rat Race.

It’s ironic how it is called that, the ‘Rat Race’. Rats have zero respect for authority and they observe no regard to any rules. They also have sex about 50 times a day! Now that is the kind of Rat Race I’m interested in 😜

Remember, before you speak, think about your words being true, necessary and kind. Of course you don’t have to do anything. Especially anything that I have said. You have the choice to be a different person from the one you were 30 seconds ago.

Finally, I will leave you with this. Imagine if the Big Bang is still expanding out? Everything that is in the galaxy, was originally part of that same spark? We are all one of the same and there is no separation. Trees, water, oxygen and humans aren’t separate entities. This is why they rely on each other to survive, just like the organs of our bodies, they are simply working in tandem. Thusly, we need to abandon the notion of birth and death. No stop and start. Without a beginning or end. We are part of the same universe. Universal. When we look at the stars in the sky, we are looking at ourselves. We are part of the continuing cosmos. Expanding. Infinite. Remember that the first rule of science is that energy can not be created or destroyed, only transferred. 💫

Published by Rochdalestu

I’m a 38 year old male who has recently been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I have found it as a new chapter in my life that has opened my eyes to a whole new perspective on myself and everything around me.

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