This week I have had a chat with my Psychiatrist about my medication. I’m constantly looking at the interactions of psychoactive medication and especially the ones used in Bipolar and Schizophrenia. I read as much as I can about people’s personal experiences with the different meds and I have formed my own catalogue of the interactions and side effects reported in addition to the ones you are told from the official or NHS literature. There’s a great deal of information on the internet and I try not to use it as a basis my research unless it’s from a trusted website etc. As I studied Medicinal Chemistry at university, I still have my reference text books and also all my notes from 4 years of lectures in ring binders. From this, I have been able to see Dr. Vohra, my psychiatrist, and then go away and see the methodology for the sessions I am having and what is being assessed. You can have a session were you do a set of what seems, pointless tasks, however if you step back and look at the bigger picture, you can see the process. Bipolar Disorder isn’t a simplistic character that has monotonous modes of activity.
I have been looking at things in my own behaviours and writing down bits when I can. I’m then able to put it together for our appointments and it gives a better understanding about what I was thinking and why, my triggers, my emotions and so on and so forth. Below is an example;
“I’m quite all day, beating myself up and then just a comment or something like that that grabs my attention in a positive way and I’m off like a rocket. So, I’m unaware that my heads up in the clouds before I know what’s what. This causes my confusion which then leads to the agitation. I get agitated as I can’t do simple things like I once did. So much so I don’t realise that if I just took a deep breath and I gave myself 30 seconds to compose myself I would be fine. See, I know what to do but can I do it? This head fuck doesn’t happen once or twice a day. It’s happening 24/7 at the moment it seems. This has taken me a week to write by putting it together bit by bit. Something that I was capable of doing in 30 minutes once upon a time. What is in store for me on this basis? I get angry with myself. Poor judgments. I worry if I am like this then am I a flight risk at work? A liability? A catastrophic fuck up waiting to happen? Bipolar Depression pre-empties your confidence in yourself. I managed to write my 7.5k word book/thesis/paper/manifesto or whatever it is. The handful of people who have read it have been complimentary in their opinions about it. But rather than build on this I think it’s futile. I’m just a bipolar fuck up who is under psychiatric care. I’m mentally ill. I’m not In a position to be writing a book when I’m not right in the head. It’ll be nonsense. Who’s going to be rushing to get a copy of a book by a 38 year old mental nut job who still lives in his parents box room. I have an incurable illness. The meds are just containing it. They’ll probably fuck me before the bipolar will. My piss absolutely stinks at the moment. It’s because of the meds. What they are doing to make that stench can’t be a good thing. If I came off them then I would be greeted by the bipolar but more intensely I have been told? Fear factor maybe? I might fuck the lot off and go picking some magic mushrooms trip myself normal. You never know, I could be the pioneer of ending stupidity in a World were picking a mushroom from a field is illegal and can get you a fine and incarceration!!! I can only surmise that medication free I’d be disruptive to the social norms. I would act as if repercussions didn’t exist and that everything I did was ok. No worries at all. Crashes of depression and I can’t get the notion out of my head that self harm would return. You have a complete detachment of your senses. You don’t have the fact that you are slicing in to your own body with a razor blade registering in your head. It’s a sensation I will never forget and hope never repeat. If you can do that to yourself, you can do it to someone else too. It’s frightening! I’ve had one night so far of 4 hours plus sleep in October. Not great in 14 days! You reckon you could cope with that? I’ve not managed to get a bath either during October. I wash daily and I brush my teeth, clean underwear et al. Fortnightly haircut, fresh bedding every 2 weeks but I can’t run a bath! It’s common it seems for many people with mental illness. I bloody love having a bath too when I actually have one. Tunes on, relax and soak in the tub for an entire album of my choice.”
So, with this in mind, I have asked for a change in my medication. I’m also prescribed Quetiapine, an antipsychotic to help bipolar mania. Depakote and Quetiapine can interact with each other and alter each of their effectiveness’s. I don’t want to be taking a medication that isn’t as productive as it can be for me when there’s an alternative. On that note, I’m going to start Lithium. Usually it’s the first port of call for Bipolar, Depakote is used if Lithium is ineffective. As I had 3 tonic clonic type seizures, I was put on Depakote as it’s an anticonvulsant. Epilepsy has since been ruled out.
I will keep you posted about my experiences and how things are going. Wish me luck 🍀