Firstly you might wonder why I have jumped from #5 to #7. Well it’s because I don’t like the number that is in the middle of these numbers. So much so I won’t even type it. I think it’s unlucky, negative and basically unlucky for me personally.
Today’s 7 Word Story is taken from a quote from Jack Nicholson. He’s a living legend.
Being Bipolar this post resonated with me. You are given pills for everything but sometimes these pills don’t make you better.
Have you ever wondered what if? What if I had said that? What if I’d have gone to that party? You get my drift?
Now think about what if you didn’t take that shortcut on the way home from the local shops and you took the ‘long’ way round, you could have met an old school friend, a close friend or even, maybe walked by the most beautiful person in the world. You might have stopped and chatted for a while. You could have swapped numbers, exchanged a smile and a nervous glance into each other’s eyes whilst nervously running your fingers through your hair. Nevertheless, that’s a result of the decisions you make. Every single time you decide to do something it has results. As minuscule as you think it will be, it’s the most important decision you ever make. Your current, present moment is all that ever exists. You shape your own future by the way you live in the present.
Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life and nobody knows what the hell is going to happen.
Shape your future in the way you want it to be. 👌
I’ve just finished writing my album entitled “Bipolar Disorder”. Hope you like it 👍
1. Self Medication
Do I need a shrink or an exorcist?
All these wounds are self imposed
Lines up your arm like a list
Scars on your body that turn and twist
Numb to pain, numb to feeling, the depression is gripping tight around you
Numb to pain, numb to feeling, the depression is blowing kisses right at you
Blood, panic, scars, addiction
People can think it’s all fiction
Blood, panic, scars, addiction
People can say it’s all fiction
Blood, panic, scars, addiction
It’s our calm to the storms in our heads affliction
Blood, panic, scars, addiction
People can think it’s fiction
Blood, panic, scars, addiction
People can say it’s fiction
Blood, panic, scars, addiction
It’s our calm to the storms in our heads affliction
Do I need a shrink or an exorcist?
When wounds are self imposed
Grimace face and clenching fist
Trickling blood pressure released
Blood, panic, scars, addiction
People can think it’s all fiction
Blood, panic, scars, addiction
People can say it’s all fiction
Blood, panic, scars, addiction
It’s our calm to the storms in our heads affliction Blood, panic, scars, addiction
People can think it’s all fiction
Blood, panic, scars, addiction
People can say it’s all fiction
Blood, panic, scars, addiction
It’s our calm to the storms in our heads affliction
2 Mania
Feel the electricity you conduct
Like a racing car flashing by
Leaving a jet stream in the sky
A thousand miles an hour
Soaring high, where the eagles fly
When you’re talking with your friends
No one can keep up with the topics you change
Ten different stories all rolled into one
Where does this energy and expression come from
Mania, mania, mania is it a good day for ya?
Mania, mania, mania is it the right way for ya?
Mania, mania, mania you listenin’ to what I gotta say to ya?
Mania, mania, mania is it a good day for ya?
Mania, mania, mania is it the right way for ya?
Mania, mania, mania you listenin’ to what I gotta say to ya?
***Musical Interlude and riffs and shit***
3 Antipsychotics
Walking passed people on my way to town, thinking they are all looking at me.
Voices in my head chattering away, I don’t understand what they are saying to me
Antipsychotic’s are saving me
I’m sinking into the pits of paranoia and psychosis
Antipsychotics restore my focus
Antipsychotics restore my focus
Antipsychotics restore my focus
Tune your head into the colours and the waves sounds
Put your ear to the ground and listen to the cheers of the crowd
Antipsychotic’s are saving me
I’m sinking into the pits of paranoia and psychosis
Antipsychotics restore my focus
Antipsychotics restore my focus
Antipsychotics restore my focus
4 The Psychiatrist
Doctor of the mind
Welcome to mine, I hope you like what you find, it’s definitely one of a kind
Unique, different than all the others
It’s consumed by chaos, hidden under covers
Please let me remind you
Textbooks will only guide through
Are you observing the truth or are you being lied to?
The mind named itself, it gave everything a name, are you just part of its game?
Delving inside the insane
Delving inside the brain
Delving inside the insane
Delving inside the brain
Thoughts become lessons taught
Semblance to stability sought
Eternal battle with yourself fought
Chasing your sanity that eludes to be caught
Delving inside the insane
Delving inside the brain
Delving inside the insane
Delving inside the brain
Delving inside the insane
Delving inside the brain
Delving inside the insane
Delving inside the brain
Delving inside the insane
Delving inside the brain
Delving inside the insane
Delving inside the brain
5 Sorted out for SSRIs
Oh, is this the way they say I’m meant to feel?
Is my happiness found when I’m walking through a field?
I don't understand these lows and highs
Never mind ‘cos I’m sorted out for SSRIs
And tell me when the comedown lands
It’ll probably arrive without any sounds
Oh, in the middle of the night
It feels alright, but then tomorrow morning
Oh, oh, then you come down
Oh yeah, hot sweats wearing your dressing gown
Your head is empty like a Ghost Town
Oh, and no-one seems to know why it is
They’re giving out these SSRIs to all the kids
In the middle of the night
Normality is very, very far away
In the middle of the night
Sleep is a fight, but then tomorrow morning
Oh, oh, then you come down
Prozac, Cipramil, Priligy, Lustral, Seroxat, Faverin, Cipralex and Brintellix
Prozac, Cipramil, Priligy, Lustral, Seroxat, Faverin, Cipralex and Brintellix
In the middle of the night
It feels alright, but then tomorrow morning
Oh, oh, then you come down
Oh, oh, then you come down
Oh, what if you never come down?
In the middle of the night
It feels alright, but then tomorrow morning
Oh, oh, then you don’t come down
Oh, oh, then you don’t come down
Oh, what if you don’t come down?
6 Psychosis
7 The Art of Depression
Hallelujah (kiss the sky)
Hallelujah (kiss the sky)
Hallelujah (kiss the sky)
The sound of silence echoes by
Darkness is questioning you why
Head on the devils shoulder you begin to cry
Numb to pain, numb to lie
Immunity from any emotional tie
Dropping into the oblivion, sigh sigh sigh
Dark and silent the deepest high
Hallelujah (kiss the sky)
Hallelujah (kiss the sky)
Hallelujah (kiss the sky)
The sound of silence echoes by
Darkness is questioning you why
Head on the devils shoulder you begin to cry
Right back to the Dawn of day
Darkness is talking to you, a lot to say
Forcing sleep now, it’s the only way
To get me away from this painful day
Hallelujah (kiss the sky)
Hallelujah (kiss the sky)
Hallelujah (kiss the sky)
The sound of silence echoes by
Darkness is questioning you why
Head on the devils shoulder you begin to cry
8 Lithium
Sitting on a train with empty pain
Voices in my head keep me sane
Take this potion and swim an ocean
Ride the chaos and commotion
Today I met my friends, they’re in my head
In my head
Today I got the benz, laying in my bed
In my bed
Today I met my friends, they’re in my head
In my head
Today I got the benz, laying in my bed
In my bed
Start your walk to stabilise your thought
Reality is now yours to sought
Race is on for it to be caught
Light at the end of the tunnel for which you’ve fought
Today I met my friends, they’re in my head
In my head
Today I got the benz, laying in my bed
In my bed
Slowly getting perceptions in line
Normality arrives, it’s about time
Clear of conscious, it’s a sign
Hold your head up high, doing fine
Today I met my friends, they’re in my head
In my head
Today I got the benz, laying in my bed
In my bed
Today I met my friends, they’re in my head
In my head
Today I got the benz, laying in my bed
In my bed
9 Hibernating Insomniac
Wide awake asleep in bed
Chaos run around your head
Tossing and turning every way
Sleep eludes you however you lay
Sleeping all day to fall asleep again
The only problem is you can’t pick when
Head wide awake but it’s contents broken
Sleep provides escape but it’s only a small token
Can’t sleep, won’t sleep
Now sleeping for a week
One minute sleep plays hide and seek
The next it’s it’s yours to keep
Can’t sleep, won’t sleep
Now sleeping for a week
One minute sleep plays hide and seek
The next it’s it’s yours to keep
One stormy, sleepless, lonely night
One sleep filled, silent, dreamy night
Opposites don’t attract they fight
Complete darkness or shining light
Can’t sleep, won’t sleep
Now sleeping for a week
One minute sleep plays hide and seek
The next it’s it’s yours to keep
Can’t sleep, won’t sleep
Now sleeping for a week
One minute sleep plays hide and seek
The next it’s it’s yours to keep
10 Bipolar
I’ll only posted this a few weeks ago but I thought I’d post it again. Let me know if you agree with my choices and what your top 10 is in the comments.
My personality is apparently a disorder. I have been told that I am, and have been diagnosed with, Bipolar Disorder. A severe mental illness, the most prevalent of which are Schizophrenia and Bipolar Disorder. Fundamentally, nothing is known about either condition, ranging from the cause, most effective treatment, how the mechanics of conditions cause the individual behaviours displayed by a person. Personally I haven’t experienced any common feelings or warnings for an episode start.
As if this wasn’t bad enough, then the probability of developing physical illnesses too, is a greater risk than that of not having an SMI. In England premature mortality is observed and on average, 15 to 20 years of your life is expected to be taken away. If you are under 75, you are nearly 4 times more likely than the general public to never celebrate this birthday. Liver disease (the organ which metabolises your medication), respiratory illness, cardiovascular problems and cancers are but 4 problems that you are at risk of developing. To compound this even further, death from suicide is also more prevalent. It doesn’t stop there either. Substance abuse, Parkinson’s disease, accidents in daily life, Alzheimer’s disease and dementia, pose risks the mortality rate that displays inequality in comparison with the general public.
So, what is it that means that your physical health is being impacted by your mental illness?? Is it your brain reacting to the alterations your medication causes? Meaning that your brain is altered in such a way that the messages which are sent to your organs, are interfered with? You primarily might have some mental complications but you had a good physical condition? The brain/gut axis is heavily dependent on your serotonin levels. Is it possible for your weight gain with medication being because your axis is being changed too? Who knows?!?
My first episode of having hallucinations started in the early summer months of 2017 (guesstimate). I wasn’t hearing anything detrimental or sinister. I can recall that it was basically just laughing. The same sort of thing that you hear whilst watching a sitcom. It wasn’t even related to the activity I was doing or borne out of a mishap that I’d done. Simply just laughter. I called my GP, and I know it’s not his specialist area, but he asked if I was experiencing any voices or getting messages to harm myself and others. I wasn’t. Fair play to him, he lodged it on my medical record and then he said that if I experienced anything telling me to inflict pain or suffering to myself or others, then to call him. It started to then become more and more frequent. On top of the laughter, I was frequently turning round to my colleague in the office, whom I was certain said my name in a manner that they had a question, for them to say they hadn’t said anything. I was answering the door of a number of occasions when I thought I’d heard someone knocking on it. Where I worked at my bosses house at the time, had electronic gates and again, I thought I heard the intercom buzz as to either answer the person or open the gates for them. You have probably guessed it already, no one was there. So I reported this problem reoccurring and spoke with a very friendly, polite and helpful lady. She said it wasn’t a priority (I’m still bewildered to this day how hallucinations can be quantified with severity), but I would receive a letter in the post. Nevertheless I hadn’t received said letter after 8 weeks. I called back and I was told that they had sent me a letter, with an appointment date, and as I never responded or attended the appointment, they presumed that I no longer needed an appointment or any help. I did though. Luckily I never committed any crime or inflicted any detrimental damage towards myself or others.
Fast forward to today and recently I have been in touch with my GP practice who have very kindly printed out basic local records so I can get some dates and referrals to see a specialist along with acute and repeat medication prescription.
It was 10th August 2018 I was initially referred to Mountcroft Resource Centre (the psychiatrists). Now I recall seeing the psychiatrist who saw I had been having non-tonic colic seizures. Due to the fact I have had these, Depakote was prescribed alongside the Mirtazapine. To this day I am still waiting on the reasoning behind the seizures. Personally, from reading my text books, which are of a high level of understanding afforded to me from my degree in Medicinal Chemistry, I proposed that at the time I was on Sertraline (200mg) and I also had a bout of sciatica for which I was prescribed Tramadol. I surmised the two drugs combined and I was experiencing Serotonin Syndrome which ultimately caused me to fit. This occurred three times and each and every time it happened my suggestion was dismissed. Low and behold, only once I stopped taking these medications did the fits disappear too. I went to Preston Hospital for EEG and brain scans and nothing was reported as being abnormal. It’s either a coincidence or that basically the fact that someone mentally ill was right?!? I’ll let you make your own mind up!
So after my initial appointment, my GP had given me an introductory low dose of Depakote. This was increased by the Psychiatrist. You see with Depakote, max dose is 2,000mg. I’m not entirely sure what the exact dosage is but for migraines it’s about 500mg, epilepsy 1000mg and Bipolar 1,500-2,000mg. Well I was on the max 2,000mg and on my return visit and second appointment I was so spaced out I couldn’t hardly speak. My shrug of the shoulders and grunt rendering me to be discharged and then back to my GP! I don’t think that I was able to even say “for fuck sake!”, until a week after!
So, one unforgettable moment was the catalyst for demanding that I get seen by a specialist professional. I was having a pint after work with a friend. Before the woke generation puts the alcohol down as a reason, I’d had a pint and two mouthfuls of my second (I only had two pints when I worked in Poulton as the sheer volume of traffic was subsided by this time when I got picked up). My friend and I went to the front of the pub for a cigarette, opposite the pub is a lovely church which is arguably the focal point of the centre of the village/town. I said to my mate “I wish those fuckin’ Church bells would stop ringing!”. My mate laughing at me said that they weren’t. I didn’t believe him. I proceeded to ask a dozen or so people, some I knew, some I didn’t (who looked slightly perturbed), but no one else was hearing these incessant bells. Campanology had become number 5 on my dislike list. For the record; 1. Coldplay 2. Mash Potatoes 3. The word ‘peeps’ 4. Cricket 5. Campanology.
So bell ringing aside, other things started to happen. Bearing in mind that I was never scared by any of this, just fascinating as to why it was happening. The following happened;
Car alarms going off and the lights flashing (I realised this was in my head as happened once in the evening and it was dark, the headlights were coming on yet no light was being projected).
Listening to my iPod. I can sometimes (but very rarely), hear my name in the track.
In unfamiliar places I can feel like everyone’s looking at me and speaking about me.
The one thing that I would advise you to do is to keep at the forefront of your mind throughout reading this, that it is all due to my brain and how it works. There’s no outside influence to blame. We’ll discuss medication soon but I can only say one thing and one thing only…..our mind is the most important/dangerous/influential component in our lives.
Hearing things like church bells, car alarms, your name being said and pretty much every other single day occurrence of stuff, is absolutely fucking nuts. You can’t decipher what you hear as being genuine or concocted by your mind. This is why to the extreme that when I read or hear a news report from some tabloids newspaper or news channel report, the person who committed the act, they’re jumped upon and persecuted. Now I’m by no way condoning the situation but it’s an absolute mess from the said criminals support network that it’s happened. Low and behold it is always the case of the person being a fruit loop, nutter, mentally ill or something like that. Never do we hear anything about the system failings and giving the appropriate care.
There’s absolutely no difference between the voices you hear in your head, and then the voices you hear from people around you.
My Bipolar Perspectives of a Unipolar World 