Everyday we learn something new. Either about ourselves or about the world around us. There’s a proverb in England “Respect your elders”. Which means take heed of what they say. We seldom recognise that they have been our age and most likely experienced something similar to the issues we are facing. Everyone has an opinion about what is the best practice for given situations and no one opinion has more credence than the next. Remember, just because you disagree with someone, it doesn’t mean they’re wrong.
Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting the outcome to be different is insanity according to Einstein. And he’s right. Problems that are permanently insoluble are being looked at in the wrong way.
So here is what I believe is what it’s all about. Meaning in life has long been recognised as a central dilemma for our construct. Psychology of human function, whilst acknowledging there is no consensus definition for the construct. There is a argument for the importance, leading on to the meaning, in life, based upon conventions in acculturations used as subjective judgmental processes.
We then have a strong argument from observations and experiences, that positive mood and meaning in life are born out of the phenomenology of meaning in life. This in turn, creates conditions for the objective study of topics usually regarded as subjective: consciousness and the content of conscious experiences such as judgements, perceptions, and emotions.
Then there’s the argument that everything is meaningless. Words have meanings yet are merely conventions. The word ‘water’ isn’t wet, but it identifies the object in reality. Like trying to determine the beauty of the stars in the sky. There is no beauty. They just exist. They are objects that are subject to simply existing.
So my conclusion to the question of the meaning of life, is it objective or subjective, no, it is that it is neither of them. The meaning of life is simply…..to EXIST!!!
Here’s a song that I’ve written called “The Psychiatrist”.
The Psychiatrist
Doctor of the mind Welcome to mine, I hope you like what you find, it’s definitely one of a kind Unique, different than all the others It’s consumed by chaos, hidden undercover
Please let me remind you Textbooks will only guide you Are you observing the truth or are you being lied to? The mind named itself, it gave everything a name, are you just part of the game?
Delving inside the insane Delving inside the brain Delving inside the insane Delving inside the brain
Thoughts become lessons taught Semblance to stability sought Eternal battle with yourself fought Chasing your sanity that eludes to be caught
Delving inside the insane Delving inside the brain Delving inside the insane Delving inside the brain
Delving inside the insane Delving inside the brain Delving inside the insane Delving inside the brain
Delving inside the insane Delving inside the brain Delving inside the insane Delving inside the brain
Here is the first chapter and prologue of the book I’m attempting to write. As I’ve had zero tuition in English Language or Literature since I was MacBeth at School in 1998/99, I was hoping that you could possibly take five or ten minutes out of your day and cast your eye over what I have done so far? Please can you be critical when needed too. I am trying to keep my narrative linear, granted one or two tangents are inevitable, but I’m trying to get my point over, explain the problem it caused, my behaviour and response, and what I learnt from this experience! Hopefully 🙏 I’ll be able to do this but I’m going to need help from others. Anybody who helps me will be acknowledged in the book (if published), and it would be greatly appreciated by me too!
I Hate Being Bipolar, It’s Absolutely Awesome!
Prologue
“You only get it, if you’ve got it”
Stuart Sanderson
To have a mental illness that has been diagnosed as bipolar disorder is a nauseating experience. Given it a name that to many people is associated with crazy and deranged individuals. Just as the body won’t recognise bipolar and have preconceived notion’s of it because of the name, society should take heed. The name is simply a way of making the issue subjective and separate. When asked how you are feeling and coping with it, you don’t give answers that portray the persona of a character hell bent on pathological mayhem.You are given drugs named antipsychotics, anticonvulsants, mood stabilisers, tranquillisers and antidepressants. Telling you how you need ‘anti’ this and ‘anti’ that because you are psychotic, depressed or hyper et al. Branded submissively.The language you have is limited to the words that have been created to describe something. There are often times no words a language possesses that can truly explain what you are going through. How do you explain how you feel without words?
Actions speak louder than words…
Chapter 1: I wish them fuckin’ Church bells would stop ringing!!!
My personality is apparently a disorder. I have been told that I am, and have been diagnosed with, Bipolar Disorder. A severe mental illness, the most prevalent of which are Schizophrenia and Bipolar Disorder. Fundamentally, nothing is known about either condition, ranging from the cause, most effective treatment, how the mechanics of conditions cause the individual behaviours displayed by a person. Personally I haven’t experienced any common feelings or warnings for an episode start.
As if this wasn’t bad enough, then the probability of developing physical illnesses too, is a greater risk than that of not having an SMI. In England premature mortality is observed and on average, 15 to 20 years of your life is expected to be taken away. If you are under 75, you are nearly 4 times more likely than the general public to never celebrate this birthday. Liver disease (the organ which metabolises your medication), respiratory illness, cardiovascular problems and cancers are but 4 problems that you are at risk of developing. To compound this even further, death from suicide is also more prevalent. It doesn’t stop there either. Substance abuse, Parkinson’s disease, accidents in daily life, Alzheimer’s disease and dementia, pose risks the mortality rate that displays inequality in comparison with the general public.
So, what is it that means that your physical health is being impacted by your mental illness?? Is it your brain reacting to the alterations your medication causes? Meaning that your brain is altered in such a way that the messages which are sent to your organs, are interfered with? You primarily might have some mental complications but you had a good physical condition? The brain/gut axis is heavily dependent on your serotonin levels. Is it possible for your weight gain with medication being because your axis is being changed too? Who knows?!?
My first episode of having hallucinations started in the early summer months of 2017 (guesstimate). I wasn’t hearing anything detrimental or sinister. I can recall that it was basically just laughing. The same sort of thing that you hear whilst watching a sitcom. It wasn’t even related to the activity I was doing or borne out of a mishap that I’d done. Simply just laughter. I called my GP, and I know it’s not his specialist area, but he asked if I was experiencing any voices or getting messages to harm myself and others. I wasn’t. Fair play to him, he lodged it on my medical record and then he said that if I experienced anything telling me to inflict pain or suffering to myself or others, then to call him. It started to then become more and more frequent. On top of the laughter, I was frequently turning round to my colleague in the office, whom I was certain said my name in a manner that they had a question, for them to say they hadn’t said anything. I was answering the door of a number of occasions when I thought I’d heard someone knocking on it. Where I worked at my bosses house at the time, had electronic gates and again, I thought I heard the intercom buzz as to either answer the person or open the gates for them. You have probably guessed it already, no one was there. So I reported this problem reoccurring and spoke with a very friendly, polite and helpful lady. She said it wasn’t a priority (I’m still bewildered to this day how hallucinations can be quantified with severity), but I would receive a letter in the post. Nevertheless I hadn’t received said letter after 8 weeks. I called back and I was told that they had sent me a letter, with an appointment date, and as I never responded or attended the appointment, they presumed that I no longer needed an appointment or any help. I did though. Luckily I never committed any crime or inflicted any detrimental damage towards myself or others.
Fast forward to 23rd June 2023,and I have been in touch with my GP practice who have very kindly printed out basic local records so I can get some dates and referrals to see a specialist along with acute and repeat medication prescription.
It was 10th August 2018 I was initially referred to Mountcroft Resource Centre (the psychiatrists). Now I recall seeing the psychiatrist who saw I had been having non-tonic colic seizures. Due to the fact I have had these, Depakote was prescribed alongside the Mirtazapine. To this day I am still waiting on the reasoning behind the seizures. Personally, from reading my text books, which are of a high level of understanding afforded to me from my degree in Medicinal Chemistry, I proposed that at the time I was on Sertraline (200mg) and I also had a bout of sciatica for which I was prescribed Tramadol. I surmised the two drugs combined and I was experiencing Serotonin Syndrome which ultimately caused me to fit. This occurred three times and each and every time it happened my suggestion was dismissed. Low and behold, only once I stopped taking these medications did the fits disappear too. I went to Preston Hospital for EEG and brain scans and nothing was reported as being abnormal. It’s either a coincidence or that basically the fact that someone mentally ill was right?!? I’ll let you make your own mind up!
So after my initial appointment, my GP had given me an introductory low dose of Depakote. This was increased by the Psychiatrist. You see with Depakote, max dose is 2,000mg. I’m not entirely sure what the exact dosage is but for migraines it’s about 500mg, epilepsy 1000mg and Bipolar 1,500-2,000mg. Well I was on the max 2,000mg and on my return visit and second appointment I was so spaced out I couldn’t hardly speak. My shrug of the shoulders and grunt rendering me to be discharged and then back to my GP! I don’t think that I was able to even say “for fuck sake!”, until a week after!
So, one unforgettable moment was the catalyst for demanding that I get seen by a specialist professional. I was having a pint after work with a friend. Before the woke generation puts the alcohol down as a reason, I’d had a pint and two mouthfuls of my second (I only had two pints when I worked in Poulton as the sheer volume of traffic was subsided by this time when I got picked up). My friend and I went to the front of the pub for a cigarette, opposite the pub is a lovely church which is arguably the focal point of the centre of the village/town. I said to my mate “I wish those fuckin’ Church bells would stop ringing!”. My mate laughing at me said that they weren’t. I didn’t believe him. I proceeded to ask a dozen or so people, some I knew, some I didn’t (who looked slightly perturbed), but no one else was hearing these incessant bells. Campanology had become number 5 on my dislike list. For the record; 1. Coldplay 2. Mash Potatoes 3. The word ‘peeps’ 4. Cricket 5. Campanology.
So bell ringing aside, other things started to happen. Bearing in mind that I was never scared by any of this, just fascinating as to why it was happening. The following happened;
Listening to my iPod. I can sometimes (but very rarely), hear my name in the track. Couple of weeks ago now, I had got home from my mates, and it’s a good half an hour walk so I always have my MP3 player with me. The model I got was off Amazon, I wanted about 70 tracks on it, I shuffle the tracks, they’re all favourites of mine and then when I flew to Madeira (4hrs), it was spot on. Anyway, this model plays through a speaker if you don’t have earphones plugged in. One night I kept hearing Oasis songs and I thought it was just me and my psychosis. I got up to get a drink in the night and then I saw the MP3 player playing through its speakers.
Car alarms going off and the lights flashing (I realised this was in my head as happened once in the evening and it was dark, the headlights were coming on yet no light was being projected).
In unfamiliar places I can feel like everyone’s looking at me and speaking about me.
I’ll expand on a couple of these later.
The one thing that I would advise you to do is to keep at the forefront of your mind throughout reading this, that it is all due to my brain and how it works. There’s no outside influence to blame. We’ll discuss medication soon but I can only say one thing and one thing only…..our mind is the most important/dangerous/influential component in our lives.
Hearing things like church bells, car alarms, your name being said and pretty much every other single day occurrence of stuff, is absolutely fucking nuts. You can’t decipher what you hear as being genuine or concocted by your mind. This is why to the extreme that when I read or hear a news report from some tabloids newspaper or news channel report, the person who committed the act, they’re jumped upon and persecuted. Now I’m by no way condoning the situation but it’s an absolute mess from the said criminals support network that it’s happened. Low and behold it is always the case of the person being a fruit loop, nutter, mentally ill or something like that. Never do we hear anything about the system failings and giving the appropriate care.
There’s absolutely no difference between the voices you hear in your head, and then the voices you hear from people around you. You simply just because “Aware” of the situation. Personally, I’d never hurt anyone. Ever! I’m not perfect, nor do I know everything about anything. I do thought offer to help my friend’s children if they need it with exams school work. I have letters after my name, I’m a Medicinal Chemist, analytically I’m very astute and I can help with all Sciences and mathematics. I’m multilingual and even though I don’t speak French very well, I know enough to pass the entry exam for living there (I just checked on Google).
My reasoning is that I don’t think that I’m clever, know more than anyone else, but I pure and simply want to offer an olive branch to people who are given the opportunity to either accept or decline. I’m not expecting anyone to jump at the chance but I’m just saying that it’s there, and if anyone wants me to chat with them about anything, I’m more than happy to do so.
I don’t have any answers or any secrets to succeed in any particular subject. All I can offer is a way of life that involves the same things that you encounter in life. I’m never going to dictate, only give you options. I’m not offended by anyone who doesn’t accept my opinions as you are unique, as well as we all are too. I’m just hoping that I at least bring a smile to your face.
So today I met with my psychiatrist and it was a great example of how much I can learn about myself from his actions and questions. I’m now trying to just simply answer the questions he asks. Previously I was answering these like ‘yeah it happens but it’s when x or y are doing this and that pattern. Now I’m aware I simply answer the question asked and then we will build from this point. So, as I have mentioned in previous blogs, I’ve been manic for the entirety of 2023. I stopped my Mirtazapine, increased the Quetiapine (as it works for both Mania and depression), I’m currently on 250mg Quetiapine in the morning and 500mg at night. Coupled with one or two prescriptions of Zopiclone and Valium to get sleep, nothing. I read in my medication text books that anti-histamines can aid sleep for a couple days as they have impact on the H1 receptor. Nothing really changed.
I’m aware I am probably not going to ever end up with 9pm-6pm sleep pattern. I wouldn’t want it either, as I have to say I like the fact I’m different from most others. I love playing guitar and reading up on medication and learning Spanish and Portuguese. They are my hobbies, and even though it’s not been a productive period of indulging in these, there’s no rush. Everything happens for a reason. My new antipsychotic is Olanzapine. New medication for reading up on, understanding and rewriting in my own words.
I had a question for my psychiatrist today but I forgot about it and didn’t ask. Basically, I have read the Quetiapine is metabolised to norquetiapine and it’s this isomer that works on the depressive phases and Quetiapine on the psychotic or manic phases.
So what is the reason why Quetiapine isn’t answering my chemical makeup S.O.S?
Have you ever pondered the notion that the lunatics are actually running the asylum?
The asylum being the metaphorical world that we are living in?
The division and segregation of countries being echoed by the wards of this vast, spread out hospital over the grounds of what we have been told is Planet Earth?
Admission to this hospital is simply granted by the act of expression.
An expression of feelings.
Emotions.
Unique emotions.
The uniqueness of which is judged on the basis of originality, frequency and the extravagance of performance, by acute & obtuse degrees of theoretical judges, juries and executioners which have never been in the right angles to be able to understand.
Cared for by Doctors and their parties of staff. The Parliamentary Heads of Mental State.
Feeding a concoction of pharmaceutical propaganda to patients in their care, patients who are then stigmatised for it in the process.
Maybe this is because we’re the normal ones? 🤔
Is this really the reality that we are living?
Does reality exist?
What is reality?
Are you living your own life in your own reality?
Medication, especially antipsychotics and anticonvulsants, will alter your mind.
If you’re medicated, then you’re not going to be living your own life in your own reality?
Many people have had their opinions on my mental illnesses. Match making their assumptions to certain things I’ve done in the past, my behaviours and actions, my persona, my decision making and the obsession to listen to the whispers from those claiming that they have the exclusive story on my life, to the easy answer. From this basis they feel that they have the right to become judge, jury and executioner. The complexity and depth of knowledge an individual requires to be such, arguably still hasn’t been reached. There’s no explanation for the cause of Bipolar Disorder. There’s 3 theories that are the most common in cases which are used as a benchmark but these aren’t set in stone. There’s no cure. It’s currently classified as a lifelong affliction by the medical profession. The medication that is prescribed isn’t a cure either, only a remedy. The medication I have, Depakote (Sodium Valproate) is an anticonvulsant that slows down the neurones in the brain. It is potent, as it needs to be, and makes me docile. Things are harder. Concentration, memory, cognitive function, muscle spasms and weight gain. It also increases the risk of heart disease and diabetes. The medication used for Bipolar and Schizophrenia patients are reported to shorten the life expectancy of the individual by 9-20years and 10-20 years respectively. More than smoking 40 cigarettes a day. So If you’re going to the effort of being interested and intrigued with a person and their circumstance, maybe save yourself sometime and get the full picture by actually asking the person.
I’m the first to admit that I abused drink and drugs (cocaine) to cope. People put my consumption down to the cause of my mental illness. Bipolar Disorder is not caused by drug abuse. Substance abuse unfortunately goes hand in hand with Bipolar Disorder. The fact cocaine was used as an antidepressant not to long ago shows it has some positive effects. People say that I will have the come down and it’s dangerous. They never step back to realise the medication that I take daily is working on the same principle. That I have to feed my addiction so to speak. I’m a legal drug addict. If I didn’t have my daily dose, not only would it be the bipolar but also the withdrawal from antidepressants and antipsychotics or anticonvulsants.
The stark reality is that it’s far from romantic or desirable to be living with a mental illness. Everything that I was doing was a response to the pain and suffering I was going through. My responses may not have been the most productive or proactive nor positive but I have since learnt from them. My purpose on this Earth is not to make you understand my journey, I’m here to be on that journey.
But some people are always happy to give their understanding and not so keen on hearing mine. People who don’t really know me or haven’t seen me for a while, comment when they find out I have bipolar disorder, that they would have never known. I often wonder why that is? Do you have to act a certain way in front of people? Are you supposed to strip naked and climb up a building then hide in your bedroom for 3 days? Do these people understand that people with illnesses are given medication? Bipolar Disorder sufferers are no different.
Another fantastic comment that you hear is “but so-and-so is bipolar and they don’t do that. They can do this etc etc etc”. No two people are the same. Simple as that.
Some days I have a irritability for everything. Be it a tree in a garden, a bird in the sky or a programme on the TV. No reason why. The medication will possibly be increased to the maximum dose (2,000mg) per day because of this. I’m fine with that. The fear I have is that I have found myself to have a different thought process when I’m irritable and It is a new experience for me. I’m not saying I’m going to do anything reckless but then again I’m not sure what I am going to do. Irritability can lead to lashing out and that’s my concern.
Does anyone think less of me because I have Bipolar Disorder? The common perception is that it is linked to‘crazy people’ or ‘maniacs’. Well to anyone who does, I’ll leave you with the words of Alan Watts 👌
My Bipolar Perspectives of a Unipolar World 