My Second Attempt at Writing a Book 📖

My Bipolar Perspectives of a Unipolar World: My First Year Under Psychiatric Care

Following on from my first attempt at putting something together, I’ve been trying to formulate my experiences of my first year in Psychiatric Care. Already however, I have realised that it is only 12 months since my first Psychiatrist appointment. With this in mind, it’s brought the back story into play. Already there is a better way of getting my message across as it will document the process and time scales for your appointment with a Psychiatrist and what to expect.

I’m hoping to be able to explain it thoroughly and then maybe someone else who is now in the position I was, will take comfort in the fact it isn’t a ‘me’ thing. I often thought I was being ignored and forgotten about, being a nuisance constantly phoning the CMHT (Community Mental Health Team) to chase up my appointments and what is going on.

I’ve attached a link above of my opening couple of pages and it’s just literally that at the moment.

I’m going to be brutally honest about everything and I’m including my mood diary entries for a clearer picture. I sometimes read accounts of Mental Illnesses that are diluted down as to not shock. I feel that this is romancing what it is.

My Opinion of Life on Planet Earth in 2021: Volume III 🌍

Six months on from my last blog regarding my opinion of life on our planet, and very aptly, Jamiroquai’s ‘Virtual Insanity’ is playing in the background.

We’ve just had a Climate Change meeting of the World’s leaders in a conference centre in Glasgow, Scotland. A country that’s part of an Island. Only accessible by England in an eco-friendly way. Setting a bloody good example, as you would expect, saw our PM taking a private jet to get there. If ever you needed confirmation that we are governed by Grade A tossers, then this was it. COP26 was meant to be a meeting of Governments to get their countries across the World all doing their bit. Alas, it has more than likely damaged the environment further via the air pollution flying into Glasgow, and then the return flights adding to it again. Am I the only person who is perplexed why this happened and how it was sanctioned? Call me sceptical, but was it just a massive PR stunt to make it seem like something is being done. Why didn’t they just have a Zoom meeting?

Then we have Greta Thunberg, an 18 year old Swedish girl who started bunking off school in protest to something or other is now a global voice on climate change. Did she sit her exams? Does she have any learned form of basis from which she is forming her points? She has been greatly lorded over and given honorary statuses here and there. But for what? It’s easy to say something that you can’t actually prove or substantiate. To say if we don’t do this, then this will happen. We are going to have this because we are doing this etc etc. It’s presumptions formed from assumptions that are based on the predictions of the unknown. If I, or anyone else had done what she has done, then the parents would have been fined because the child didn’t go to school. You’d have been arrested for being a nuisance outside a government building and god knows what else. She has said her generation is going to revolutionise the planet and conquer climate change. Good luck with that. Half of kids nowadays don’t know if they’re a boy, a girl, a tree or a fucking unicorn.

Here’s a presumption regarding the recycling of plastic and reducing the amount of plastic on the planet. Recycling doesn’t work. The only way to resolve the issue is to stop the production of plastic. Simple. McDonald’s introduced paper straws, yet kept plastic lids? Why don’t they sell soft drinks in cans instead? Simply because the profit from draught Coke or Fanta is massive. It’s about 7p to mix the syrup with soda yet they charge you more than 2000% than that for your drink.

The planet is getting warmer. This is due to our Sun, a massive ball of hydrogen imploding over and over again, forming helium. This is called nuclear fusion. It’s because the sun is constantly getting hotter. This is why we are experiencing warmer weather. Eventually the sun will expand to about 200 times its current radius, swallowing up Mercury and Venus. It is unknown if it has enough gases to expand in to Earth’s orbit and swallow us up. I reckon you and I don’t need to worry about it happening in our lifetime though. It’s nature. Pure and simple. That’s my take on it anyway.

Congratulations Canelo 🙌🥊

On to my favourite boxer and his accomplishment on Nov 6th in becoming the unified Super-Middle Weight Champion of the World! Awesome achievement to capture all 4 belts after having none 12 months previous! Viva México 🇲🇽 Cabrones!

And Finally…..

There’s so much more interesting things to be absorbed in to for your life on this planet. You can’t be constantly worrying about tomorrow and tomorrow’s tomorrow. You’re then chasing a future which holds only one certainty for you. Death. Do you want to enjoy yourself? Of course you do. We are only experiencing the present moment. The past has gone. I could once run the 100m in 11.3 secs. Now I can’t run to catch a bus 😂.

You can share your experiences of your past with a friend or a person who is just experiencing your past moments in their present.

What we are told from an early age however, through our education system in schools, is the preparation for the future. Your exams at the end of school, further education, your vocation and your future has now completely preoccupied your mind. You don’t follow your true goals or aspirations as you believe that you have to earn money, which is a social convention, it doesn’t exist in reality, to succeed.

An omnipotent being would be a being whose power was unlimited. The power of human beings is limited in two distinct ways: we are limited with respect to our freedom of will, and we are limited in our ability to execute what we have willed.

Parameters on what we are able to achieve is a paralysis of our evolution.

Medication Change 💊

This week I have had a chat with my Psychiatrist about my medication. I’m constantly looking at the interactions of psychoactive medication and especially the ones used in Bipolar and Schizophrenia. I read as much as I can about people’s personal experiences with the different meds and I have formed my own catalogue of the interactions and side effects reported in addition to the ones you are told from the official or NHS literature. There’s a great deal of information on the internet and I try not to use it as a basis my research unless it’s from a trusted website etc. As I studied Medicinal Chemistry at university, I still have my reference text books and also all my notes from 4 years of lectures in ring binders. From this, I have been able to see Dr. Vohra, my psychiatrist, and then go away and see the methodology for the sessions I am having and what is being assessed. You can have a session were you do a set of what seems, pointless tasks, however if you step back and look at the bigger picture, you can see the process. Bipolar Disorder isn’t a simplistic character that has monotonous modes of activity.

I have been looking at things in my own behaviours and writing down bits when I can. I’m then able to put it together for our appointments and it gives a better understanding about what I was thinking and why, my triggers, my emotions and so on and so forth. Below is an example;

I’m quite all day, beating myself up and then just a comment or something like that that grabs my attention in a positive way and I’m off like a rocket. So, I’m unaware that my heads up in the clouds before I know what’s what. This causes my confusion which then leads to the agitation. I get agitated as I can’t do simple things like I once did. So much so I don’t realise that if I just took a deep breath and I gave myself 30 seconds to compose myself I would be fine. See, I know what to do but can I do it? This head fuck doesn’t happen once or twice a day. It’s happening 24/7 at the moment it seems. This has taken me a week to write by putting it together bit by bit. Something that I was capable of doing in 30 minutes once upon a time. What is in store for me on this basis? I get angry with myself. Poor judgments. I worry if I am like this then am I a flight risk at work? A liability? A catastrophic fuck up waiting to happen? Bipolar Depression pre-empties your confidence in yourself. I managed to write my 7.5k word book/thesis/paper/manifesto or whatever it is. The handful of people who have read it have been complimentary in their opinions about it. But rather than build on this I think it’s futile. I’m just a bipolar fuck up who is under psychiatric care. I’m mentally ill. I’m not In a position to be writing a book when I’m not right in the head. It’ll be nonsense. Who’s going to be rushing to get a copy of a book by a 38 year old mental nut job who still lives in his parents box room. I have an incurable illness. The meds are just containing it. They’ll probably fuck me before the bipolar will. My piss absolutely stinks at the moment. It’s because of the meds. What they are doing to make that stench can’t be a good thing. If I came off them then I would be greeted by the bipolar but more intensely I have been told? Fear factor maybe? I might fuck the lot off and go picking some magic mushrooms trip myself normal. You never know, I could be the pioneer of ending stupidity in a World were picking a mushroom from a field is illegal and can get you a fine and incarceration!!! I can only surmise that medication free I’d be disruptive to the social norms. I would act as if repercussions didn’t exist and that everything I did was ok. No worries at all. Crashes of depression and I can’t get the notion out of my head that self harm would return. You have a complete detachment of your senses. You don’t have the fact that you are slicing in to your own body with a razor blade registering in your head. It’s a sensation I will never forget and hope never repeat. If you can do that to yourself, you can do it to someone else too. It’s frightening! I’ve had one night so far of 4 hours plus sleep in October. Not great in 14 days! You reckon you could cope with that? I’ve not managed to get a bath either during October. I wash daily and I brush my teeth, clean underwear et al. Fortnightly haircut, fresh bedding every 2 weeks but I can’t run a bath! It’s common it seems for many people with mental illness. I bloody love having a bath too when I actually have one. Tunes on, relax and soak in the tub for an entire album of my choice.”

So, with this in mind, I have asked for a change in my medication. I’m also prescribed Quetiapine, an antipsychotic to help bipolar mania. Depakote and Quetiapine can interact with each other and alter each of their effectiveness’s. I don’t want to be taking a medication that isn’t as productive as it can be for me when there’s an alternative. On that note, I’m going to start Lithium. Usually it’s the first port of call for Bipolar, Depakote is used if Lithium is ineffective. As I had 3 tonic clonic type seizures, I was put on Depakote as it’s an anticonvulsant. Epilepsy has since been ruled out.

I will keep you posted about my experiences and how things are going. Wish me luck 🍀

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