Daily Dose of Alan Watts #1

I’ve decided to dedicate a daily post to the great Alan Watts. I’ve only recently discovered his works and they have really resonated with me and also motivated me to write and read more.

If you haven’t already come across Mr. Watts, I would highly recommend checking him out 👌

Living with Bipolar Disorder Explained: Bipolar Schizoaffective Disorder

This last week has been arguably the most surreal thing I’ve ever experienced. Also, its been arguably the most difficult. I’ve been chasing the shadows in my head and tied myself up in knots. One thing I can say is that you are certainly kept on your toes with mental illness. As I was filling up my pill box, I opened up my Quetiapine and I put the leaflet you get in the box to one side for a read through when I had finished sorting my weekly pills.

In Section 1 it explained what Quetiapine is used for. Bipolar Depression, Bipolar Mania and Schizophrenia. It then had a concise description of the associated behaviours associated with each. I have experienced every single one of the behaviours over the last week or so and I can explain how and why too.

Schizophrenia

I’ve been seeing shapes peripherally again of a man and a dog. Where I sit in the office, there’s a meeting room with a mirrored window in front of me, I can see a silhouette of a man in the meeting room. There’s another man who walks into the office from the front door towards my boss’s desk but as I look towards him he disappears. Also there’s a dog bringing me a ball or toy etc but it disappears as I look in the direction of it. These are happening more and more frequently and I know it’s not real but they’re all there. This scares the shit out of me. I’ve become introverted and I’m struggling to communicate. If I’m asked a simple question like ‘do you want a brew?’ I am just mumbling or nodding. It’s rude I guess to some people but I don’t mean to be. I then get paranoia and feel suspicious about being slagged off. I get more withdrawn. People obviously don’t like rudeness. I just wish they knew how much I don’t like being this way and acting like I’m being rude when I’m not and I have no control over it.

Being Bipolar or Schizophrenic isn’t about acting crazy in a Jekyll and Hyde kinda way, it’s about living with the biggest, disruptive FUCKING PAIN OF LIFE! Avoiding eye contact like you have something to hide but it’s because you don’t have it in you to look a person in the eye. You wish you were invisible.

Bipolar Depression & Mania

I’m quiet all day, beating myself up and then just a comment or something like that that grabs my attention in a positive way and I’m off like a rocket. So, I’m unaware that my heads up in the clouds before I know what’s what. This causes my confusion which then leads to the agitation. I get agitated as I can’t do simple things like I once did. So much so I don’t realise that if I just took a deep breath and I gave myself 30 seconds to compose myself I would be fine. See, I know what to do but can I do it? This head fuck doesn’t happen once or twice a day. It’s happening 24/7 at the moment it seems. This has taken me a week to write by putting it together bit by bit. Something that I was capable of doing in 30 minutes once upon a time. What is in store for me on this basis? I get angry with myself. Poor judgments. I worry if I am like this then am I a flight risk at work? A liability? A catastrophic fuck up waiting to happen?

Bipolar Depression pre-empties your confidence in yourself. I managed to write my 7.5k word book/thesis/paper/manifesto or whatever it is. The handful of people who have read it have been complimentary in their opinions about it. But rather than build on this I think it’s futile. I’m just a bipolar fuck up who is under psychiatric care. I’m mentally ill. I’m not In a position to be writing a book when I’m not right in the head. It’ll be nonsense. Who’s going to be rushing to get a copy of a book by a 38 year old mental nut job who still lives in his parents box room? I have attached the link to it for you if you want to read it.

I have an incurable illness. The meds are just containing it. They’ll probably fuck me before the bipolar will. My piss absolutely stinks at the moment. It’s because of the meds. What they are doing to make that stench can’t be a good thing. If I came off them then I would be greeted by the bipolar but more intensely I have been told? Fear factor maybe? I might fuck the lot off and go picking some magic mushrooms trip myself normal. You never know, I could be the pioneer of ending stupidity in a World were picking a mushroom from a field is illegal and can get you a fine and incarceration!!!

I can only surmise that medication free I’d be disruptive to the social norms. I would act as if repercussions didn’t exist and that everything I did was ok. No worries at all. Crashes of depression and I can’t get the notion out of my head that self harm would return. You have a complete detachment of your senses. You don’t have the fact that you are slicing in to your own body with a razor blade registering in your head. It’s a sensation I will never forget and hope never repeat. If you can do that to yourself, you can do it to someone else too. It’s frightening!

I’ve had one night so far of 4 hours plus sleep in October. Not great in 14 days! You reckon you could cope with that?

I’ve not managed to get a bath either during October. I wash daily and I brush my teeth, clean underwear et al. Fortnightly haircut, fresh bedding every 2 weeks but I can’t run a bath! It’s common it seems for many people with mental illness. I bloody love having a bath too when I actually have one. Tunes on, relax and soak in the tub for an entire album of my choice.

Hope this explains things a little better and why I am as I am. It’s hard. Fucking hard! To act as you are ok too is the hardest part. I don’t want this anymore though. I just want to be normal, even for just 24 hours and have a break from my life.

Have You Ever Realised…..

The great Alan Watts once said; ‘Have you ever stopped and pondered that everything you are thinking about and your thoughts are actually somebody else’s? Based on the ideas of others that have thrust their labels, numerology and regimes into our lives? The language we use. The illusion of time.’

Is there anything you can do that is truly exclusive? What is an original thought that you can have? Is it possible to have one? How do we know that the way we should be thinking is irrational? Because it’s different from the next person? Because someone who has regurgitate a text book in an exam, is now an expert on what you are experiencing with your own thoughts? We are bound by our language to speak our minds.

We are individually unique yet fundamentally identical.

In a society that profits from your insecurities, dare to love your body unconditionally

I’ve reblogged this great post from joypassiondesire whom I follow on WordPress. I couldn’t agree more with what is said. We are part of a generation that relies on social media for interaction rather than actual physical interaction. We watch a TV that in essence actually watches us. Butting into our life and thrusting fantasy lifestyles, conglomerates products down our throats, fear instilled in us by Governments via the media to secure our insecurities and then portray themselves to us as our knights in shining armour. This tactic is used across all aspects of our lives, becoming afraid of being left behind and you are coaxed into the belief that to settle for what you have is akin to an impoverished persona. The virtual insanity of the situation is utterly depressing. We have become hypnotised in belief that nature is our enemy and growing old is sacrilege. Botox, tummy tucks, liposuction, face lifts, anti-wrinkle cream, spandex pants, hair transplants, veneers, boob jobs, lip fillers, fad diets, PT sessions I, false this and false that. When you come to realise that you have the most beautiful asset from the day you were born. A smile. You ever thought why we have abandoned it for a pout and a filter? Is it because of the fact you are hypnotised to abandon your identity? You are slowly having your god given rights eroded each day by the notion of having happiness and being content with ourselves isn’t enough. You are not allowed to be content with your life. To be content is bad for business you see. But then again, do you believe what you see, or do you see what you believe?

A body is just a body. The way your body looks is not a statement of what someone can or can’t do to you. In a society that profits from your …

In a society that profits from your insecurities, dare to love your body unconditionally

Mental Health Awareness Month: My Bipolar Perspectives of a Unipolar World 🌎 🧠😱

As October is Mental Health Awareness Month, I’ve reblogged my first book/thesis/rant/nonsense collective bringing together a few topics of life experiences which you might find interesting or funny or something absolutely terrible. I’ll leave it up to you to decide. I’m not attempting the preaching of my opinions but I’m making sure people know that having a mental illness doesn’t mean that a person can’t speak out to others and share their thoughts. I’m Rapid Cycle Bipolar, I’m also a human being too just like you 🙏 x

Living with Bipolar Disorder Explained: Depression

I’ve put together a video on my YouTube channel to give people an insight into what bipolar depression is to me and how it is living with it.

I hope it can be beneficial for somebody somewhere who maybe suffering. Also, it may give others a better idea of exactly what it is.

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