Living with Bipolar Disorder: Does the Devil Get Inside You Via Your Weakest Side?

So, I have decided that I’m going to try and get some reasoning behind my self harm episodes. I haven’t had any incidents of repeating this for well over a year. However, this doesn’t mean that I can categorically say that it is never going to happen again. There was no precursor to any of the episodes that I had before. The first time, I had been in the bath, and as far as I am aware and what I can recall, I got out and I had left the bath as I found it, clean and ready for the next time I was to use it. Around 3am in the following morning, I bathed around 9pm the previous night, I needed a wee. I woke up and my arm was stuck to my bed sheet (It wasn’t because of that 😂). I never gave this a second thought and I presumed that I had spilt my drink (Vimto). So…..

I went to the bathroom for a wee, and I was greeted with what I can I only explain as like something you see in a horror movie. It was at this point that I rolled up the sleeve of my dressing gown to look at my arm. It was lacerated multiple times, but I couldn’t feel any pain. I wasn’t concerned about it either from what I can recollect. I cleaned the area with warm water and I luckily had some plasters that fit my inner forearm and the cuts perfectly (it was too late to get stitches). I cleaned the blood up in the bath. From the walls and the floor. It never dawned on me how I had actually done this? As I went through the door to the kitchen, I saw a razor blade, the Gillette one with 5 blades, on the floor. I’m not exactly sure what I did to it but it looked like I had chewed the corner of the plastic and then pulled it back to expose the blade. Only one blade, not the entire five. Then again, you only need one I suppose. I looked up at the mirror above the sink and I saw blood all round my mouth. I had cut my gums, lips and inside my mouth getting the blade out. Once again though, I didn’t feel any pain whatsoever.

So, this is the only thing that is bugging me about it all. It’s something that was repeated in every single occasion that I self harmed. I’m right handed you see, but I cut my inner right forearm using my left hand?!? I’m beyond useless at doing anything that involves a certain level of conscious effort with my left hand. I’m by my own admission, not exactly adept at anything manual at all! I have also made the cuts in the same area too. I have been to the walk-in centre of a few occasions where I’ve seen a nurse who very kindly either stitched me up or steri-stripped the mess I’d created. But the majority of times I was just dressing my arm with whatever I had in the cupboard. I went to the Chemists on one occasion when I had cut myself deep and I couldn’t stop it bleeding. I asked what was best for dressing my arm and was asked what size I needed, I just got my arm out, still bleeding quite profusely, and said for that one there. I noticed that I had left a trail of blood on my walk to there. The lady who worked there very kindly assisted me and put the plaster and bandage on for me. That gives you an indication of the mindset I was in from my behaviour. I have scars and I don’t think anything about them as I have accepted it as part of me. I don’t think that they appear as bad as they could have because I have gone back over previous scars and the most severe ones were stitched up. That’s irrelevant though, I still look at my arm and remember that I have done that and, it’s a reminder that I can do it again.

I’m a Roman Catholic. I believe religion is a personal thing and I would never project my feelings about it on to anyone. So, I’m not a fan of going to Church, so I started to read my bible. A few days later I saw an account from an individual who had been through self harm and they quoted “the Devil get in through your weaker side” or words to that effect. I then read some passages from the Bible that described the same. I then looked further into this and I came across more and more people explaining the same thing. I had a appointment with the Crisis Team due to the episodes and I mentioned it to them. They asked if I was religious to which I replied yes, then they were off asking if I had any messages from God or if I thought I was a prophet etc etc. Brushed my question under the carpet. So, I’m going to see the Priest next week and then I will bring it up with my psychiatrist and get a explanation.